Crusts on Tuesdays

Something I keep hearing leave my mouth more and more every day is "I have a lot of hobbies" It makes me so proud because I try to live on purpose as often as possible, as much as I can I try to drive my own mind and actions intentionally. To be who I want to be all of the time, on purpose. I know what it feels like to lose yourself.  To not understand what it is that you like anymore, and to change deeply into a new creature. It happened to me when I left the workforce, I held a lot of pride in my ability to do my jobs well, I was making great money working an exciting job that I was good at, selling books for a multimillion dollar store. I worked hard for promotions and got every one I went after. I was paid to be a creative and started a business at 17, It was a photography business and my speciality was boudoir and weddings. I LOVED and reveled in being a boss b*tch, it wasn't great for my marriage though because I was in fact very bossy.  We had a plan, I decided who...

"I'm not asking you to kiss me, nor apologize to me when I think you're wrong. I won't even ask you to hug me when I need it most. I don't ask you to tell me how beautiful I am, even if it's a lie, nor write me anything beautiful. I won't even ask you to call me to tell me how your day went, nor tell me you miss me. I won't ask you to thank me for everything I do for you, nor to care about me when my soul is down, and of course, I won't ask you to support me in my decisions. I won't even ask you to listen to me when I have a thousand stories to tell you. I won't ask you to do anything, not even be by my side forever. Because if I have to ask you, I don't want it anymore." -Frida Kahlo I've seen this quote floating around my news feeds for about a month or so, I've been chewing on it since the first time I read it, because it rubbed me the wrong way. Hear me out on this, I've been with the same man for nearly 17 years, we...

I refer to things that cause a dramatic immediate change, or full stop in my life as "spit moments". Here's the story why, Before I met Mike, I was talking to a guy I really liked, He had a lot of great qualities and similar belief system to my own at the time. One day we went to the mall and bought chocolates at Godiva together, I took a bite of one and said "this is delicious, you've got to try it!" and his response was a grossed out "no, it has your spit on it"  Complete stop,  cue indignation and a slew of thoughts like "seriously? he can't be serious? is he joking?" He was serious, he was grossed out by spit, MY spit, being on a delicious chocolate truffle.  In that moment everything changed completely because I knew who I was as a person and that a boy being grossed out by my spit would not fit into the type of future I wanted for my life. Yes, I did immediately think about sex being a HUGE problem, if my spit grossed him out wh...

Comparative living is a thief of confidence, killer of joy, destroyer of ideas, sabotaging finances, breeding and bleeding unhappiness, ripping apart identity and shredding authenticity. Comparative living is a slow killer. It wrecks the joy of parenting, it ruins the ease of natural beauty, it hinders ideas, binds creativity, it's all together not good. Close your eyes, look deep inside, how do you like your eggs? What things do you like all by yourself without the influence of anyone else? Who are you apart from a crowd? Separated, your colors are so loud, vibrant and beautiful, seen deeply all the way to your soul. There's nothing like you, You should be put on exhibit, to be studied, a muse. Incomplete but ever changing masterpiece that isn't a ruse. You are yourself, exactly who you choose. No, no one could ever measure up to be exactly you. One of a kind, built in layers, one at a time just like the notches in your spine, every single line and rhyme. The rhythm in whi...

Self acceptance is uncomfortable at first, I've gone through it in many different ways, because just when you think you're alright, you realize that you're actually not and there's more places that require your attention. I used to begrudge my emotions and dreamily romanticize the idea of not giving a f*ck, but the truth is that's just not who I am, not even a little bit, not at all.  I care entirely, emotionally invest fully, listen carefully, constantly observing and interpreting, I am so much, I'm not easy and I'm completely happy with being that. Over the years I've learned to control my mouth in the full blown feelings of my emotions, I've learned to speak less when I'm angry or hurt, but I choose to speak much more powerfully. I'd never give up my feelings, or feeling so deeply, I used to wish that away. I used to wish to be less "much", I thought I was too much and that my muchness would push people away and it did, and does ...