Self acceptance

Self acceptance is uncomfortable at first, I've gone through it in many different ways, because just when you think you're alright, you realize that you're actually not and there's more places that require your attention. I used to begrudge my emotions and dreamily romanticize the idea of not giving a f*ck, but the truth is that's just not who I am, not even a little bit, not at all. 

I care entirely, emotionally invest fully, listen carefully, constantly observing and interpreting, I am so much, I'm not easy and I'm completely happy with being that. Over the years I've learned to control my mouth in the full blown feelings of my emotions, I've learned to speak less when I'm angry or hurt, but I choose to speak much more powerfully. I'd never give up my feelings, or feeling so deeply, I used to wish that away. I used to wish to be less "much", I thought I was too much and that my muchness would push people away and it did, and does push some away, but the people who stick around are truly meant for me. I used to wish for a governor to slow me down, less emotion, tougher skin, more numb, less me, less "much". Never again. I love full bodied emotions, big, huge, fat, feelings. People often focus on the anger, or sensitivities of people who are deep feelers, but no one shares the flip side of the coin. No body focuses on the full bodied emotions filling you with joy, that not only reaches your eyes, but is felt to your fingertips. People don't share the experience of ecstasy that radiates through your entire body, or how just the sound of Mike's voice washes over me like a wave of peace if I'm overwhelmed. Smelling familiar scents transport me to vivid memories, so do flavors and food sometimes. When I walk into a room I can feel others emotions like they were my own, which can be really confusing until you get used to it. I can walk in to a room feeling fine and then suddenly feel sad, it's weird but it's a form of empathy I would never trade. 

In my early twenties accepting my physical appearance was difficult, it was before curves were cool so no one in magazines looked like me, shopping online was impossible, I was only 140lbs but wore a large almost everywhere and an extra large in most stores in the mall even though I wasn't large at all. Learn to love your naked face, natural hair, the body and personality that you have. I worked hard learning to accept myself, I quit reading magazines and started reading comic books. 

Accepting myself has been a journey.