I've lost myself before

Something I keep hearing leave my mouth more and more every day is "I have a lot of hobbies" It makes me so proud because I try to live on purpose as often as possible, as much as I can I try to drive my own mind and actions intentionally. To be who I want to be all of the time, on purpose.

I know what it feels like to lose yourself. 

To not understand what it is that you like anymore, and to change deeply into a new creature. It happened to me when I left the workforce, I held a lot of pride in my ability to do my jobs well, I was making great money working an exciting job that I was good at, selling books for a multimillion dollar store. I worked hard for promotions and got every one I went after. I was paid to be a creative and started a business at 17, It was a photography business and my speciality was boudoir and weddings. I LOVED and reveled in being a boss b*tch, it wasn't great for my marriage though because I was in fact very bossy. 

We had a plan, I decided who I wanted to be years before I ever became any of these other things that I fell in love with. Before I was a photographer, before I was in management at my dream job I had decided I wanted to be a mother. I knew that when I did become a mother I wanted to raise our children myself, to stay home with them, to school them myself, to adventure together and teach the the culture of art, to appreciate beauty, books and good food. I wanted them to see beautiful places, I wanted them to have more than a standard institutionalized education, to truly be themselves not pushed through a system, not molded by other people for 8 hours every day, not confined by grade or age, allowed to keep exploring a subject that peeked their interest even once that unit was over. 

I wanted to be a traveler, an artist, a gardener, a foodie and a mother. 

I couldn't devote myself fully without choosing to give up a new piece of myself that had been developed, a choice had to be made. 

Mike asked me one day after we had been married about 6 years if I wanted to have a baby, I was caught off guard and it took my breath away, I couldn't even answer for a little while. When I did answer it went something like this "you know what that would mean right? If we have a baby the plan has always been for me to stay home with them" So we decided, and Mike worked harder, it was very difficult for a long time because we cut our income in half. We struggled financially very hard, I became a mother and stayed home with our son. I remember saying to Mike one day "I don't know what my style is anymore, I don't even know what I like?" No longer did my blazers and slacks, bright red dresses and lipstick, heels, pearls and pinup style hairdos fit my lifestyle. I didn't have the money to go out and rediscover what I liked, or what felt like "me" and quite frankly the current fashion trends at the time were absolutely not my cup of tea. It was so much more than just losing a piece of myself in the sense of style, I fell into the routine of basics, into whatever worked. I thrived in mothering our son and being Mike's wife but that was all I was thriving in for a while. I don't believe anyone can be happy only being one thing, or maybe I'm just a complicated person. I was failing in my own happiness, in my relationships, in my faith, I was floundering in just about everything else. I was sad. So I decided to start exploring the things I knew set my heart on fire in hopes that it would help. I started bringing music back into our home, started gardening and making art, slowly I reintroduced myself to myself, I changed entirely. I'll never forget the day it clicked for me, I said to mike "I want my outsides to match my insides" I started thrifting to find clothing that really suited what I felt like, I stopped hiding in basics, I stopped hiding, period.

Fashion may not seem like a big thing, for me it is though, it's something I genuinely love, It's a matter of expression and for me expression is an art form. 

Over the last 6 years my life has been more wild than it ever was before becoming a mother. I've done more of what I love in the last 3 years than my entire life! I know exactly who I am, I know what I like and I've worked hard to become myself, or find myself. Identifying and Identity are not the same. I identified with my own work ethic and accomplishments, with the style I had while doing those things but that was just a hat. My identity is something that can never be removed, It can never be taken or changed because once it's discovered, it's just there to stay. 

As an artist it's always ok to scrap a piece of art that is no longer inspiring, it's ok to stop in the middle and decide to do something else, it's ok to strip it down to the beginning and bring back old elements in a more vibrant hue. It's also ok to just completely stop for a little while and breathe, to think, to feel and allow change to come naturally. Change isn't comfortable, it can be confusing, or sad. 

Transformation is powerful.