Because if I have to ask you, I don't want it anymore.

"I'm not asking you to kiss me, nor apologize to me when I think you're wrong. I won't even ask you to hug me when I need it most. I don't ask you to tell me how beautiful I am, even if it's a lie, nor write me anything beautiful. I won't even ask you to call me to tell me how your day went, nor tell me you miss me. I won't ask you to thank me for everything I do for you, nor to care about me when my soul is down, and of course, I won't ask you to support me in my decisions. I won't even ask you to listen to me when I have a thousand stories to tell you. I won't ask you to do anything, not even be by my side forever. Because if I have to ask you, I don't want it anymore." -Frida Kahlo

I've seen this quote floating around my news feeds for about a month or so, I've been chewing on it since the first time I read it, because it rubbed me the wrong way. Hear me out on this, I've been with the same man for nearly 17 years, we're approaching our 13th wedding anniversary next month. It has taken so much work, so much time, and we've learned the art of fighting well. I think fighting well is determined by communicating well, by listening with compassion and understanding even when you're madder than a wet hornet! Even when what you're being told hurts your feelings, or is completely different than how you see it, fighting well comes with understanding and so does loving well.

A few things about myself, because I believe it's important to understand yourself and needs in a relationship. I'm not easy, I'm clingy and needy of enormous amounts of attention and quality time, so much so that last Saturday I bribed my kids with ice cream and cartoons for breakfast so I could lay in bed with Mike uninterrupted and drink hot coffee just us. We've mastered dating at home and bribery. I know what I need and I know how to get it. After MANY conversations late into the night, mostly while we were dating when we used to fight like cats and dogs, Mike said to me "I will give you anything you want, you just have to tell me because I can't read your mind" It's the truth, he meant it, and that's why Frida's quote has rubbed me the wrong way. That might be her perspective and desire to be loved thoughtfully and selflessly, but it also feels assuming, and one sided. One could argue that her saying that to her husband was asking or telling him her needs, which is contradictory to the quote.

Nobody second guesses asking for what you want or like in the bedroom, that's celebrated and encouraged by most with the exception of maybe a few church crowds. There's thousands of articles about communication in your sex life. Communicating sexual desire and fantasy is very popular in the feminist community, most of whom look to Frida as an icon for many reasons. How is communicating about sex celebrated but not communicating emotional needs? How is it seen as strong to be so assuming, to completely throw away someone you love for not being able to read your mind? For not being able to give you what you did not ask for, or make known clearly. If you have expectations, they should be communicated. If I showed up to a job and was just kind of mumbled to, or discarded before even starting because I had no idea what they wanted I would be 1. Confused, and 2. Pissed off

I understand that this is probably intended to be like the quote "I want you to want to do the dishes" in the movie the break up. I want you to be thoughtful and helpful, and giving. I get that.

I believe in loving bravely, on purpose and in a way that gives my partner the tools he needs to better understand me, to better meet my needs.

So for me this quote isn't romantic, or strong. To me it's self centered and not partnership oriented, not sharing bravely. It's expectant, assuming and not love.

If I need anything, I say so. If I'm feeling any way I talk about it, or ask for it. I am understood on purpose because I've learned to make myself understandable.

Mike does the same, there is no secret mystery. No hopeful expectation built up without the other knowing, it's clear and sure and known. It's easy to love someone the way they need if you know what they need.

One of my favorite things that has bled out into other relationships is asking this question when someone is upset "Do you want me to listen or give solutions?" Sometimes I just want to be mad out loud to someone else, Sometimes that's all somebody needs but that need would never be known without communication. I've gone so far as saying "I just need to be mad but I need you to not make me madder by agreeing and fueling my fire about xyz, just listen to me talk about it"

The quote isn't fair, what if it was reversed and from a man's perspective and he just left because I didn't offer everything he was expecting without communicating? I feel like it wouldn't be as popular, or celebrated.

I haven't posted in a while even though I have multiple blogs written but unpublished, several deep and weighty topics that are uncomfortable for most to even talk about and I've recently been challenged in my own feelings on some of these topics immediately after writing about them. One in particular I wrote passionately about before being delivered a devastating blow that completely knocked me off of my feet, that I'm still not ready to face head on or talk about. Pregnancy is taking it's toll on me physically and we're still working on our home. I will hopefully have updates to share soon <3 

Thanks for reading my late night thoughts while my whole house is sleeping, even the baby in my belly. I think best when it's quiet.