I need space sometimes

I am overwhelmed, I'm not ashamed of it and I won't apologize for it. I need space, and when I need it I take it. Taking space and time to be alone, to be an antisocial moody artist is half of who I am, half of who I've always been. Needing space to retreat into the peace and quiet of my home is what keeps me healthy emotionally, it recharges me mentally and artistically. I'm a deep feeler, I'm full of huge emotions and when it comes to others I am a sponge. Sometimes empathy is exhausting, and sometimes conversation is taxing, sometimes even my kids are quiet with me because it's just always been part of me, one of my needs, I require quiet. 

Right now to most of the outside world that will look like me being antisocial, it will manifest as unreturned phone calls, unanswered messages, and most likely silence. I'm not sorry, but I do want you to understand it isn't you, it's me. It's that my body feels like it could break at any given moment, it's that I have nothing left to give to anyone else except for my spouse, and my children right now. I am in need, and when I am needy I am reclusive, and what I am in need of is rest and a little selfish indulgence in art and books, and my amazingly talented husband cooking food for me.

because most of the time I come across as very social, I really do love people passionately, that is true. This is what it looks like to be right between being an introvert and an extrovert. I spent two years saying yes to everything and everyone. Two years living in an RV with our children, usually parked on someone's property, not being alone really, ever. I'm so glad for that experience, a year ago today we packed up everything and moved out west for an exciting and wonderful adventure. We saw amazing things, things we couldn't have done without jumping and deciding to do something kind of crazy. 

I've been around people constantly, not giving to my introverted nature at all, and I'm tired.

Exhausted beyond belief and I need space.

I'm indulging in waking up slowly, quietly, especially on the weekends when my husband sleeps in with me, soaking in his smell and the way he stirs before waking up. Sometimes he just lays awake until I wake up too, sometimes I wake up to the smell of coffee and pancakes, the weekends are bliss, we sit and wake up slow. During the week sometimes I wake up with Mike and talk to him while he gets ready for work, I go back to sleep until my children wake up and crawl into bed with me, we usually sleep a little longer  until we all go make breakfast together and watch cartoons.

I'm indulging in long private conversations with Mike, in talking about ideas and theology, uninterrupted without outside commentary, completely alone in my space with my husband and the children we've made. 

I'm indulging in alone time period. In home dates, in romance, in snuggling and cuddling and everything my soul needs. I'm floating in a euphoric cloud of undisturbed passion and unshared space. 

I am completely unhidden, unfiltered, fully myself without pause, without pressure to be social or anything held back, or given. For the first time in two years. 

I've reached 38 weeks pregnant, my body is experiencing more than I ever have before. The beginning signs of impending labor, contractions that come and go, hormones that loosen my joints so that my body can stretch, my entire pelvis is sore, walking is difficult and painful. I am lucky though, because I have the most compassionate partner, who picks up any of the spaces I am lacking. I am lucky to have understanding children who are always willing to help, who are content just being in my company. I'm giving to one very small person and keeping my other two children alive. That's all. It's all I have right now to share, just with them, and that's enough. Mike is so precious to me, he's always telling me to just rest and enjoy growing our third baby. 

I'm trying to rest and enjoy the very last of my baby daughter growing inside my body.

I don't want to talk, 

I don't want to visit,

I don't have anything to give right now.

I want to sit in front of an air conditioner in the quiet of my own space, without a bra or pants.

I want to read, and nap, and make art with my kids. 

I want to be quiet, and reclusive and hidden away.

I want to sleep, and lounge.

I will not push myself too far for others right now because that will take away from my family, It will take from my ability to be patient, and I value patience. It is a requirement for me to be a good mother and wife, I need to be calm and sometimes that looks like being antisocial. 

The small bursts of energy I do get I want to spend with my babies, reading them books, savoring the last bit of Phoebe being the baby, I want to sit on a bench in the shade and watch them laugh and play at the park, I want to listen to her sing songs and watch Silas make bug houses. I want to spend my time without any expectations put on me, without need to respond or reply, just to sit and take the rest of it all in.

Just a few more days, or possibly weeks, I will be one person again and I will have our third child. 

Until then, wait for me, I'll be back but for now I need space.