Spit moment

I refer to things that cause a dramatic immediate change, or full stop in my life as "spit moments".

Here's the story why,

Before I met Mike, I was talking to a guy I really liked, He had a lot of great qualities and similar belief system to my own at the time. One day we went to the mall and bought chocolates at Godiva together, I took a bite of one and said "this is delicious, you've got to try it!" and his response was a grossed out "no, it has your spit on it" 

Complete stop, cue indignation and a slew of thoughts like "seriously? he can't be serious? is he joking?" He was serious, he was grossed out by spit, MY spit, being on a delicious chocolate truffle. 

In that moment everything changed completely because I knew who I was as a person and that a boy being grossed out by my spit would not fit into the type of future I wanted for my life. Yes, I did immediately think about sex being a HUGE problem, if my spit grossed him out what else would? I also knew that moving forward in any kind of relationship with him would result in feelings of rejection, and insecurity, and that is simply something I refused to tolerate. It was weird to me then how quickly my decision was made, how fast any feelings I had about him vanished into thin air, how easy my mind was made up that this was absolutely not what I envisioned in my life. I thought about my future often as a teenager, I didn't want to invest ANY time into something that wouldn't potentially be forever. I wasn't willing to waste my energy, and God forbid, develop deep feelings for someone who would never be able to be who I was looking for. My mind was made up, it was completely over in that "spit moment".That guy is still a good person, still a kind person who I don't regret knowing he just wasn't the guy for me. 

I've had "spit moments" with friends too, recently actually. 

It's surprising how quickly going from full investment in a person can suddenly dissolve into nothing but fond memories in a moment of realization. I'm not talking about the "toxic relationship" trend of cutting people out that you disagree with, or that sometimes are in fact actually poisonous to you and cause only heartache. I'm not talking about that because that isn't the case here. I'm talking about surrounding yourself with people who want to be going in the same direction, even if it's completely different interests or beliefs, I'm talking about choosing your circle to meet the goals and fuel the passion in your life, I'm talking about people who will give you hard truths, people who will uplift you and not try to push you down. People who are unapologetically authentic, who aren't going to drag you backwards, people who care about your thoughts. Sometimes growth happens differently, some people don't want to grow with you, or like you, and thats ok for them. My most recent "spit moment" happened in a conversation with someone who I thought was very close, I was very close with but it's apparent that it wasn't reciprocated, someone I talked to everyday and these are the words she used after I asked what was wrong, she explained the stress in her life and followed it up with "so you don't matter"

Excuse me? I called to see if you were ok, not to add stress to you, not to take anything from you, not to ask for a favor, not to hang out, not for your time, not to solve a problem of my own.... I called to check on my friend who obviously had something going on, who felt the need to tell me randomly that to her I don't matter. Thats not something I'm sticking around for, that's not abuse I'm tolerating. This was after many red flags, many rude comments, and this was my full stop. 

It was mid ramble, she wasn't angry with me, we weren't fighting, quite the opposite actually, I was trying to understand and console my friend. I'm not even sure she realized what she said, sometimes the heart speaks before the mind has time to catch up and correct it, or change it to be softer but it doesn't take away from the truth of her heart towards me in that moment. "You don't matter" thats the truth that came out. That was my "spit moment" with her, my heart quickly acknowledged the truth, cue indignation. I realized I didn't see a future there either. I went back and forth in my mind about how to respond, what to even say to that.... So I didn't. I just kept moving forward and allowed it to be what it is. You deserve to matter to the people you care about. Naked truth is better than well dressed lies, I'm happy I found out a year into our relationship rather than investing my time and heart for a very long time to be surprised down the road. A year isn't a long time. 

At first I wan't sure how, or if I wanted to even share this story at all especially considering it's fairly recent. Then I realized that it isn't so different, and as abrupt as it felt I'm surprisingly comforted by the recognition that it's another "spit moment" I wish her the best in her many ideas, and in her relationships moving forward even if I am not part of those things anymore. 

My friends have rallied around me, have given wise advice, comfort, and reassurance. I have a very diverse bunch of friends and I make it a point to seek out other artists, poets, foodies and anyone else I share common ground with from all walks of life. Closing chapters just means starting new ones and that is something worth being excited over. People don't talk much about dissolved friendships, or choosing to move on and step away from a person, or what spurred their decision to do so. I strongly believe that conflict is normal, that disagreement and argument is healthy and necessary for growth and transformation.